50 51 “Olivia, oh my god, you’re so confident AYANDA: But how do you then interact with NUAM: That’s a really tough question Meet Ayanda [laughter], what’s happened?” the environment around you, that is used to because I don’t know if I have a home. That you being a certain way? sounds really sad but I don’t know if I can And that’s in two years. I think that’s a big name one place home. I think I mentioned part due to Black and Green. I’m not gonna OLIVIA: Run away! [laughs]. So, yeah, doing fieldwork in Myanmar, which is where save my racial identity or ethnic identity university, I was there for five years and I’ve I’m from. Prior to going there, I was super or blackness for when I’m at home. And I moved twice. I have an expiry date on being excited about doing fieldwork among my own think that’s a big thing. I think I’m just more in a place, therefore you kind of don’t have people. I’ve grown up in Britain, I don’t know comfortable with who I am. I still don’t know to deal with that, which is a nice thing, apart the language or the culture as well as I want what I want to be when I grow up. from the people I choose to keep. And they to but eight months of fieldwork will set me obviously get it and evolve with you. straight, and it’ll be nice to connect with my NUAM: It’s quite nice when you get to that culture again. And I got there and I realised oh stage where you’re like, yeah, this is who I AYANDA: Nuam, what about you? no, I’m very British! am and that’s it. Ayanda Ngobeni was Season five’s NUAM: I think I would say that there’s I didn’t find the sense of belonging and Sharing things podcast host. She is AYANDA: What about you Nuam? What has always an element of the previous version returning home that I thought I would find. an Edinburgh law student graduating changed? What has grown? of yourself in your current version of That was quite difficult for me. I had all these this year. yourself. I went to SOAS in London, the fantasies of being back home, but home NUAM: I think I’ve become a bit more School of Oriental African Studies. It’s got a doesn’t recognise who I am because I’ve Speaking about this episode of confident in who I am and what I believe reputation for being a very left wing radical become Westernised or there are elements of Sharing things, she said: and what I stand for, and just kind of being. University, which I love, love, love, love, this culture that I don’t find comfortable. love. But there I’m more outspoken than I “I remember a OLIVIA: I think it’s also the confidence to be am in Edinburgh for various reasons. But That was a big catalyst for all these big wrong and change your mind. I would hold when I’m back in SOAS, when I’m engaging questions about who I am and where I sense of comradery on to things, like I decided that I’m going with activist spaces, all that kind of stuff, belong, and what my identity is having grown between us where to do this and I’m going to see it through to that’s who I am. And how I am in Edinburgh, up in Britain but looking physically different the bitter end, despite the fact I hate what doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve forgotten from most Scottish people. we discussed the I’m doing. Whereas now I’m like, no, I’ve got who I am back in London, or that aspect of good, the bad and enough going on in my life, I’m just gonna my personality that’s a bit more vocal about So yeah, the question of home is a big one. let that go. I’m evolving. political social justice issues, it’s just like, I’m I don’t know where home is. I think home is how it is we view wearing a different hat or I’m not putting it where you feel comfortable to be yourself. the world as women NUAM: I think it’s like the pressure, isn’t it? as the first thing that people see. When you’re 21, you’re surrounded by so trying to pave our many interesting and amazing influences AYANDA: So Olivia has mentioned moving This is an abridged extract path and leave our in your life. It takes you a while, at least around, but you know, I’m sure we all have from an episode recorded in certainly for me, to find the kind of group or that one place we call home. So where is 2020. own legacies.” the type of person that you want to be and home for you? to be okay with the fact that it might not Listen to the full episode. fit with A or it might not fit with B, but you know, whatever, this is who I am.