Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky is a distinguished professor and Vice Chair of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and one of the founding researchers in the field of positive psychology. Originally born in Moscow, Russia, she immigrated to the United States as a child and went on to earn her A.B. from Harvard University and her Ph.D. in Social/Personality Psychology from Stanford University. Over her nearly four-decade career as a "happiness scientist," she has conducted extensive research on human well-being, motivation, and social connection, authoring seminal books such as The How of Happiness, The Myths of Happiness, and How to Feel Loved: The 5 Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.
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Why Feeling Loved Drives Happiness at Work and Home
After 37 years as a happiness researcher, Lyubomirsky realized that popular "happiness interventions"—such as gratitude journals, meditation, and acts of kindness—don't work in a vacuum. They succeed primarily because they make us feel more connected to others.
Feeling disconnected isn't just uncomfortable; historically, it was a threat to survival. In early human tribes, isolation meant danger, which is why our brains are hardwired to crave belonging.
Reflecting on or sharing gratitude toward people creates an immediate boost in connection. While expressing gratitude for material possessions has little impact, focusing on the people in our lives directly enhances our sense of being loved.
Small daily actions, like helping a colleague or recognizing a teammate's hard work, foster genuine connection. Strong workplace friendships improve trust, job performance, and overall life satisfaction.
"Other people can be hell, right? They're sometimes the sources of our greatest misery—but they're also the sources of our greatest happiness." — Sonja Lyubomirsky
Changing Conversations and Embracing Multiplicity
When feeling disconnected, most people try to make themselves "more lovable" or attempt to fix the other person—approaches that rarely work. Relationships are simply a sequence of interactions; shifting the dynamic of your very next conversation is a far more effective way to rebuild connection.
Rather than reducing a friend, co-worker, or family member to a single negative trait or mistakes, view them as a "quilt" of many different qualities. Humans are complex, and single moments of bad behavior shouldn't define a person.
The principle of multiplicity applies inwardly, too. People often judge themselves harshly by their worst moments. Recognizing that everyone "contains multitudes" helps quiet the inner self-critic and fosters healthier self-acceptance.
The Formula for Feeling Loved and Known
To quickly build meaningful relationships with anyone—even total strangers—start with light, fun questions before gradually progressing to more intimate topics. Proper pacing prevents the conversation from feeling intrusive while creating a natural bridge to trust.
Lyubomirsky distills decades of relationship science into a clear equation: Feeling Loved = To Know and To Be Known. You cannot feel truly loved by someone unless they genuinely know you, because you will always doubt if they would accept your true self.
Deep connection relies on asking open-ended, insightful questions—such as inquiring about a person's biggest dreams, surprising family moments, or past failures. However, the questions must be driven by authentic curiosity rather than rigid compliance.
Viewing others through a "multiplicity lens"—recognizing that people are complex quilts made of both strengths and flaws—is crucial when initiating these conversations.
"After reading this latest book, I felt like its applications are deeply relevant across our most intimate, important relationships. But it's also relevant for those in our business audience who want to build deep, true relationships at work..." — Alex Shevelenko
"The simplest version is: Feeling Loved = To Know and To Be Known. It's knowing and being known." — Sonja Lyubomirsky
Putting the "Knowing" Formula into Practice
Rather than just discussing the "Fast-Friends Paradigm," Lyubomirsky models it by asking Shevelenko a personal question: "What is a dream that you've always had, but that you have not achieved—and why?"
Shevelenko shares his long-standing ambition to write a book, admitting that self-doubt and competing priorities have kept him in the "learning phase" rather than the "publishing phase."
Instead of offering a polite end to the topic, Lyubomirsky follows up on the "why," showing how genuine curiosity keeps conversations engaged and allows the other person to feel seen.
Shevelenko praises How to Feel Loved for bridging the gap between rigorous scientific research and accessible, engaging storytelling—offering actionable takeaways without losing academic credibility.
"When I read your book, I was profoundly impressed with a very difficult combination of knowing that this is evidence-based... You've managed to strike a beautiful balance between evidence and rhythmic flow." — Alex Shevelenko
"To me, it's about getting this out to as many people as possible. Because based on research—and also just wisdom, experience, and intuition—I truly believe that this works. This is the key." — Sonja Lyubomirsky
How Curiosity and Openness Drive Deep Relationships
Popular "happiness interventions"—such as gratitude logs or acts of kindness—don't work in isolation. Their real power lies in making us feel more loved and connected to others.
True connection is a two-way street. Feeling loved requires letting others see your authentic self, while making others feel loved requires taking a real interest in their inner world.
Humans are flawed and complex. Instead of judging someone (or yourself) by a single mistake or negative trait, view them through a "multiplicity lens"—as a quilt made up of many different qualities.
When a relationship feels strained, you don't need to change yourself or the other person. You simply need to change the dynamic of your next conversation.
Real connection requires genuine curiosity—asking open-ended, vulnerable questions and practicing high-quality listening without being performative or distracted.
"They can take away incredibly practical tips that will make them better humans and better professionals." — Alex Shevelenko
"You don't actually have to change yourself if you want to feel more connected and loved. You don't have to change the other person, either—you just have to change the conversation." — Sonja Lyubomirsky
Navigating Culture, Neurodiversity, and the Workplace
Lyubomirsky distills the psychological core of feeling loved into two interconnected equations:
Feeling Loved = To Know and To Be Known
Feeling Loved = Asking + Listening + Sharing
Expressing genuine curiosity through asking questions activates social reciprocity, prompting the other person to listen and share in return.
As a social and personality psychologist, Lyubomirsky emphasizes that while situations strongly dictate behavior, individuals possess the agency to shape those situations. She shares her personal journey of intentionally using willpower to overcome childhood shyness by actively practicing curiosity and listening skills.
Cultural backgrounds heavily shape how people communicate and express affection:
Western cultures (like the US) tend to be "talking-oriented," whereas many Asian cultures prioritize listening.
In listening-oriented or collectivist cultures, curiosity may be shown through subtle nonverbal cues or a single, highly deliberate question rather than a barrage of inquiries. Adapting to these subtle differences is essential for cross-cultural pairs.
Communication styles vary widely across different personality types, attachment styles (anxious vs. avoidant), and neurodivergent individuals. For example, neurodivergent people may avoid traditional eye contact or process conversational cues differently, but intentional inclusion can make them feel equally valued.
Shevelenko and Lyubomirsky discuss scaling these principles to corporate environments. Rather than using "love" as a superficial corporate buzzword, leaders can actively foster trust and psychological safety by:
Sharing authentic, relatable aspects of who they are on the inside.
Offering undivided attention, warmth, and acceptance to colleagues.
"Feeling Loved = Asking + Listening + Sharing... You ask questions with curiosity, you listen with attention, caring, acceptance, and warmth, and then you share. Because when I'm curious about you, you tell your story, and then you'll usually reciprocate—reciprocity is a very powerful norm of social behavior." — Sonja Lyubomirsky
"In work environments, those exact same mindsets apply... The leader of an organization models that behavior by maybe sharing something vulnerable about themselves. It doesn't have to be some deep secret or trauma; it could just be something real about who they are on the inside." — Sonja Lyubomirsky
Scaling Vulnerability, Connection, and Inclusive Leadership
Lyubomirsky highlights that people who are neurodivergent may communicate or read social cues differently (such as avoiding eye contact). However, she emphasizes that these subtle differences shouldn't block genuine connection—with intentionality, colleagues can easily make neurodivergent individuals feel valued and loved.
Shevelenko notes that corporate leaders often reduce "love" to empty cliches (e.g., "we love our customers"). Lyubomirsky argues for reclaiming the word at work, citing researcher Barbara Fredrickson’s idea of "micro-moments of love"—small, positive interactions shared even with strangers or co-workers.
Rather than trying to mandate connection from the top down, leaders foster psychological safety by modeling three behaviors:
Sharing something authentic about who they are inside, without needing to reveal deep trauma or secrets.
Expressing genuine interest in their team members.
Truly hearing co-workers rather than just paying lip service.
The concepts apply universally—whether in parent-child or manager-employee relationships. Lyubomirsky closes by introducing her book, How to Feel Loved, and its companion website (HowToFeelLoved.com), which features a quiz to help individuals identify their relational strengths and weaknesses. She also shares a lighthearted moment about her surname, Lyubomirsky, which translates from Slavic roots (lyubov and mir) to "love and peace"—a fitting name for a happiness scientist.
"I'm actually on a mission to bring the word 'love' back more into the workspace—not just saying 'I love my customers,' but saying 'I love you' to your colleagues... The leader of an organization models that behavior by maybe sharing something vulnerable about themselves. It doesn't have to be some deep secret or trauma; it could just be something real about who they are on the inside." — Sonja Lyubomirsky
Check the episode's Transcript (AI-generated) HERE.
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